Just So You Know
by SemperFiNeverForget051909
Summary: “I want to go back to what we were.” That’s the last sentence she says before the silence that ensues after. Tony doesn’t move. They don’t speak. The tension becomes heavier, but this time it is a completely different kind of tension.
1. Just So You Know

**A/N: Hey there. This is my first fanfiction:) Post Aliyah and how I want things to be between them after everything.**

**disclaimer: NCIS IS NEVER MINE. IF IT WAS ZIVA WON'T BE CAPTURED. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE THAT SWELLING ON HER EYES AND TONY WOULDN'T BE WORRIED AS HELL FOR HER**_**.**_

* * *

_**I shouldn't love you  
but I want to,  
I just can turn away  
I shouldn't see you  
but I can't move  
I can't look away**_

_  
__**"**__I had no choice."  
__**"**__ That is a lie."  
__**"**__ Why would I lie to you, Ziva?"  
__**"**__ To save your worthless ass."  
__**"**__ From who? Vance? Mossad?"  
"You jeporadized your entire career, and for what?"  
__**" **__For you. He was playing you, Ziva.  
__**" **__For some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?" _

"_I did what I had to do."_

"_You killed him."  
__**"**__If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him, but maybe that's the way you'd prefer it."  
__**"**__Perhaps I would."_

Tony sat at the bar, drinking what might be his 7th bottle of the night. The confrontation kept playing in his head, like a movie which cannot be paused even for a short time. It bothered him more than his injured arm could have. He tried to focus on something else, but his thoughts always found its way back to what happened a few days ago. It haunted him every time, even if he was awake. Gibbs and the others just let him be; If ever he wanted to talk, they could lend an ear. But for now, he thinks it's best to keep it to himself._  
__  
__**And I don't know  
How to be fine, when I'm not  
Cause I don't know  
How to make this feeling stop**_

Yes, he hasn't an idea what he could do about his situation. Seeing others seemed not the best option right now. If he did, it would hurt more, knowing that it would cause him to long for his partner's presence. He already wanted her to return at this very moment, so what more if he's with someone—perhaps a blonde bimbo—right now? His longing for him would surely grow stronger. He wanted nothing more but to see her. She was not like the others. She stood out from all the women in the whole universe. Heck, she puts all of them to shame! She isn't your typical girl—obsessed with how they looked like, stuff like that. Ziva's beautiful.....and a fiercely independent woman. Headstrong. Have you even heard of a girl who could disarm a bomb in a matter of seconds? How about someone who could put up with your damned movie crap every day? Someone who messed up their English idioms all the time? That's what Tony loved about her. His crazy ninja chick…..  
_**  
Just so you know  
this feeling is taking control of me  
and I can't help it  
I won't sit around  
I can't let it win now  
I thought you should know  
I tried my best to let go, of you  
but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know**_

He laid in bed, still wallowing in misery. He has defeated Michael Rivkin, though it was luck because the Mossad officer was inebriated. He had defeated his rival…. And Ziva knew, at last that he loves her, because he had shown it in the most concrete way, by killing the _person _who "loved" her. He thinks he didn't just simply lose control of his feelings the night he killed Rivkin; he only did it to live. One way or another, someone would die. He couldn't let himself be the one to lie on Ducky's autopsy table, so there was no choice but to take the enemy down—and not let him get up forever.

_**I thought you should know  
I tried my best to let go, of you  
but I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all before I go  
Just so you know**_

His thoughts temporarily lingered on the time they were on the tarmac, ready to leave for Washington. He remembers being the first person to board the aircraft. Vance and Gibbs followed a few minutes later, and before Gibbs gets an opportunity to sit, he asks him the question that started to burn his throat the moment he saw that nobody followed Gibbs behind: "One short?" He received no response; but the look on his boss' face answered him. He accepted her decision of staying in Israel, and the small possibility of having second thoughts. She Ziva and cannot be swayed. Once she made the decision, there was no going back. But what if one day, she called? What if? Maybe there's still a chance? Tony didn't care. He tried to let go, but it doesn't happen overnight. There's something that keeps him attached to her albeit she's a million miles from him. Not all bonds were broken after all, he thinks. He plans to keep it that way, until she---or he hopes, at least---comes back. Maybe he'll be able to fix the bonds that snapped.

_**  
It's getting hard to, be around you  
There's so much I can't say,  
do you want me to have feelings  
and look the other way**_

He then drifted to the past, before everything turned awry. A smile crept across his face when he thought of the times when he corrected her usage of idioms, when they tried to outsmart each other, her getting annoyed with his movie references…….the times when he played the "make-the-other-feel-awkward" game with her, where, at most times, he lost. The teasing, friendly banter which, to others, seemed like borderline flirting. The instances where there's only the two of them in a room, he had to restrain himself, afraid to do something inane that would cause him his life. He thinks that they both felt the tension in the air, hanging above them. The tension, so thick it was palpable as the heaps of paperwork in front of them, but they just didn't want to acknowledge it. All of him knew that behind the charade Ziva was displaying, she also felt the desire he had been feeling for so long, but she's only just as terrified as him to give in. As time ticked by, emotions built up inside him, threatening to explode any second. Day after day, he realized how harder it was to hold it inside. He did nothing, instead, he waited for the trigger to be pulled…..the trigger to freedom. But with many, many things restraining him…..Rule #12, and Ziva herself….. he wondered how much more he could take.

_**This emptiness is killing me  
and I'm wondering why I waited so long  
Looking back I relize,  
it was always there to stand spoken  
and I'm waiting here  
been waiting here**_

After the last thought, Tony abruptly stopped. He felt devoid of everything. Like his life was suddenly taken from him without warning. No, he still felt something. Stupid. He felt stupid. He regretted the huge amount of time he neglected, when instead he could've spilled his guts to her. He wondered if what was the bigger mistake he made: Killing Rivkin which made Ziva mad at him, or not having the courage to tell her what he felt all those years. Truth is, he doesn't know the answer. If she came back, maybe he'll find out the answer. He doesn't want to think of "What Ifs". At this time of day, —0300 am—he wants to rest, to forget that he even dwelled on such thoughts tonight. He'll keep on waiting, he'll hang on to his Abby-like faith,(though his is ten times smaller than the original) that she might show up at his doorstep one day.__


	2. Still Alive But Barely Breathing

**A/N: Only a Filler chapter.:) Tony has to deal with his demons right now, and yes, he's struggling with it.  
**

**disclaimer: NCIS IS NEVER MINE. IF IT WAS ZIVA WON'T BE CAPTURED. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE THAT SWELLING ON HER EYES AND TONY WOULDN'T BE WORRIED AS HELL FOR HER**_**.**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

**1 Year Later**

Gibbs and McGee sat at their desks in the bullpen. They were both busy, one could say, based on the amount of paperwork on their desks. It was past midnight; it was strangely quiet and not a single word was spoken. DiNozzo went away on a sick leave and refused to discuss about it further to the team but he kept in touch with them though; he would call them at least once a week to let them know he's still alive. When DiNozzo handed his badge and sig over to Gibbs, there were no questions uttered. Gibbs and the team said their silent goodbyes to him. They trusted him very much; they knew one of these days he'll come back.

Needless to say, he's got nothing much to worry about as of now, aside from all the demons that came to haunt every fiber of his being. Maybe he would be able to do something that would keep his mind of _her_. Date again, perhaps? Drinking off the excruciating nights alone is absolutely no fun for him. He'd have to get up and look for someone who would be willing to ease the pain. It wouldn't matter if it was just some bimbo waiting to get picked up off the streets.

"I need to forget about this," he said out loud, as he sat on his couch after taking a long swig of beer.

But just how exactly will he do that, if he can't even bring himself to start shoving every thought of her off his head?

It's going to be one hell of a roller-coaster ride for him.

Not even the people he temporarily left at NCIS could help.

Not Gibbs. Not Probie. Not Abby. Not Ducky. Not Palmer. Vance would make it more difficult, so the director is off the "Who Could Help Me" list.

He sighed and head-slapped himself.

"I hate you. I hate you so much. I wish you just pulled the trigger on me. I'm hurting, I wish you could see it. So you'd be happy. Happy enough to return that you won't even have to worry so much about working with boyfriend-killing bastards like me." He yelled at someone unpresent and threw the bottle of beer at the wall of his living room, causing it to shatter in a million pieces.

Much like how their relationship shattered with a mere blink of an eye.

And God, how he loathed himself for it.

Suddenly he felt the urge to grab his sig and put four on his chest.

_"I memorized it! You could have left it at that, you could have walked away but no, you let him up! You put four in his chest!"_

The bitter memory came crashing down on him like a massive tidal wave.

_'How lovely to end your life the way you ended the life of who she loved,'_the voice in his head said._  
_

'GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM! GO AHEAD! DO IT!' this time, a sinister voice reiterated what he said on that day.

_'It's a surefire way of getting it out,' _The same voice said.

"Much better than taking a punch or swing on myself, I should say." He muttered with a humorless chuckle.

But then......._  
_

Maybe he'll live it down for a few more days.....or weeks.....or years....

He's still got 6 more people to live for.

_'Gibbs. Abby. McGee. Ducky. Palmer. I'd even consider the Director. Heh._' A part of his will to live took control of his mind now.

"Yeah. Six people. Six. Don't even think about including her. She isn't worth it. It's only going to kill you, DiNozzo." he muttered and finally decided to leave his apartment.

_'She'll just take what little is left from you.' _his conscience told him. It sounded so convincing.

He died the moment he didn't see her get on the plane. It killed him.

He's still alive, albeit only a small part of him breathes right now. He won't stop it anytime soon.

He'll never know when that part would completely die together with everything of him that had begun to rot.

* * *

**AN: That was only a small part of facing down the demons. I'm not really happy with it, but please tell me what you think.**

**Comments are appreciated:)**

**I could guarantee you that this isn't over yet.**:)


	3. I Returned With High Hopes

**A/N: The title says it all. Hope this doesn't dissapoint you because it's the start of what we've all be yearning for in the past 4 years.**

**disclaimer: NCIS IS NEVER MINE. IF IT WAS ZIVA WON'T BE CAPTURED. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE THAT SWELLING ON HER EYES AND TONY WOULDN'T BE WORRIED AS HELL FOR HER**_**.**_

* * *

_Abby's Lab, one week later._

As usual, loud music was blaring from the speakers in Abby's lab. Her attention was glued to the evidence regarding a petty officer's murder when suddenly the phone rang.

"Abs."

"Hey Gibbs! I'm still working on the evidence you and McGee brought back from the crime scene. Don't have anything new, I'll call later when something tur—"Gibbs cut her off.

"Abs! Come up here, I want you to meet someone."

"Who?" The line went dead. She looked at her phone, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Oh well….."

She went to the elevator, wondering who Gibbs would want her to meet. She stepped out as soon as the elevator doors opened.

"Gibbs!"

"Abs, meet Special Agent David." Gibbs said with a smile on his face.

"Oh hi," she reached out to shake the lady's hand. "Nice to meet—"Abby suddenly stopped, puzzlement evident on her face. McGee, who was now standing on the other side of Gibbs, watched her face go from confusion, shock, and then to extreme happiness. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Zivaaaaaaaa! Oh gosh! It is you!" She had Ziva in a bonecrushing hug. "When did you get here? And why didn't you tell me?! How did everyone know except me?! Why didn't you guys tell me?" She gestured to Gibbs and McGee.

"Uhm, Abs, breathe." McGee said.

"Are you kidding me, Tim?! Ziva's here! OMG! We should throw a homecoming party for her tomorrow—"

"Abs, let Ziva rest. She just came back." Gibbs admonished.

"Okay fine. But we'll still throw a party for her."

"No Abby, it is okay." Ziva told her, slightly embarrassed.

"I'll give you a party whether you like it or not." Abby replied with a triumphant smile on her face, then marched off to her lab, signaling the end of conversation. Just then the elevators opened to reveal Ducky and Palmer.

"It's good to have you back, my dear." Ducky said, enveloping Ziva in a warm embrace.

"Hey Ziva!" Palmer greeted, happier than usual.

"It is indeed, nice to be back home." Ziva sighed.

"How have things been?" Ducky asked.

"I am fine. The wounds and scars have healed, thankfully."

"Good to know that Ziva, but doesn't mean you have to go back to the field right away." Gibbs said. "You have two weeks to settle down." Gibbs added with a smile.

"Thanks Gibbs, but I think I could manage myself on the field. I feel much better than before—"

Gibbs glared at her. "You want to do cold cases all day, David?"

"No, Gibbs." She replied.

"Good. Get your ass on a two week vacation then." With that, Gibbs left. "Coffee break," he added before completely disappearing.

"I believe Mr. Palmer and I have yet to finish an autopsy. Feel free to visit downstairs if you need anything my dear." Ducky gestured to Palmer for the elevator.

"Thank you, Ducky."

When they were gone, Ziva turned to McGee, who looked up from his computer.

"So, it's just you and me again, Ziva," McGee said. "Want to grab lunch with me and Abby?"

"Yes, of course." She replied.

The three were having a light-hearted conversation in a coffee shop. Everything felt the way it was, just like the old times. They were laughing from each other's jokes until their stomachs ached. It fell silent between them, and each one wandered off to their own thoughts. That's when it hit her. _Something is off. Something is missing. __**Someone**__ is missing_, she thought_._ She let out an inaudible gasp, then cleared her throat, pulling McGee and Abby back from their reveries like a bitchslap on the face.

"What's the matter Ziva?" Abby asked, concerned.

"Something wrong?" McGee wondered.

"Uh, no. It's okay. I'm alright—I mean, yes. Uh—no." Ziva replied, surprised at herself. For the first time in a long time, she stuttered and did not know what to do.

"Spit it out, Ziva." Abby insisted.

"Okay. Have you seen Tony?"

Abby and McGee froze, their hands gripping their drinks tighter. They looked at each other, and looked back at Ziva. They have no idea what to answer her.

* * *

**A/N: Had Tony committed suicide?**

_**No, he didn't. You silly girl.**_

**_Yes he did. He could put four in his chest much like how he did Michael._**

_**But what about the six people?**_

**_I guess I'll never know._** _*quoting Ziva in Aliyah*_


	4. So Much For What I Thought

**A/N: This would either make them or break them......even more.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned NCIS Eli David wouldn't have existed. He could've in my script, though. But he won't be the lame imbecile of a father who would send his ONLY LIVING CHILD on a suicide mission. He'd be the kind who would let his ONLY LIVING CHILD stay at D.C with the people she loves.**

* * *

_Abby and McGee froze, their hands gripping their drinks tighter. They looked at each other, and looked back at Ziva. They have no idea what to answer her._

_******_

"What? Are you not telling me something I should know? If you are, please tell me now. Otherwise, I'll be more than happy to rip off your arms and kill you with it. I do not like being left out on a secret. You know how I hate that, especially when it concerns my partner….well, my ex-partner to be exact."

McGee and Abby threw furtive glances at each other. They seriously do not know what to answer her, but they needed to come up with something. They went for the truth, hanging on to the hope that Ziva would believe them. Abby was the first to speak.

"Ziva….uh, I hope it doesn't upset you because right now, it's only what we have. It's true, believe us. Uh….we don't know where he is. I mean, we do know, but technically we don't. Uh, what I really mean is, he calls us once a week—"

"He does not go to work? Did he resign? He did not tell you where he lives? Why?!"

"Ziva….please—"

"Can you not track down his phone? Argh! What's happening to him? Was he sent to another undercover mission by the Director again? "

"No, Zi—"

"He is using his alias right now, is he not?! And he is with one of his girlfriends, like the time with La Grenouille and his daughter, yes?!" Ziva said with bitterness, anger taking control of her.

"No!—"

McGee watched the commotion taking place in front of him. Before things took a turn for the worse, he decided to step in.

"What is the matter with him? What if he dies this time?!" Ziva insisted.

"Ziva, please lis—" Abby begged.

"Guys, guys!" McGee yelled at them. Both girls stopped and looked at him. "Could we please settle this?

"There is no point in being civil when you keep evading the question!" Ziva retorted.

"I try my best to answer but you cut me off every time, Ziva. I don't understand why you have to yell at me like it's my fault he doesn't want to let us know where he is. He does call us but the phone calls aren't long enough to be traced. And he switches his phone off after calling. If he doesn't, we would've known where he could be." Abby replied softly.

Ziva couldn't speak. She felt abashed about what she had done. "I am sorry, Abby."

"It's okay. I know how much you care about Tony. I really wish I could help you, really, I do." She gave her a sympathetic hug.

"I'm sorry Ziva." McGee reiterated.

She sank down her chair, McGee and Abby looked at her, wishing they could do anything to make things better. She just came back then the first she'd hear about her partner wasn't anything good. They too sat down.

They've been thought that apologies were showing weakness, but that single word would make this somehow better.

Abby reached out to Ziva's hands which were placed on the table. "You have nothing to worry about Ziva, he'll call when he can. After all, he always finds time to call us. Even if he only calls once a week."

"I know Abby. I do have nothing to worry about. I just lost control of myself earlier." She said trying her best to put on a smile, and sighed. Deep inside she knew she had to know his whereabouts. She may have been tortured to death, but she still has her Ninja skills intact.

"He might call today." McGee chirped in, hoping to be able to lift Ziva's obviously wounded soul…..and heart.

"I hope so." Ziva sighed again. She looked at a distance, and her thoughts drifted somewhere far away. She was reminiscing. She remembered the happy times before; every moment that flashed in her head were the ones with Tony in it. For some reason, the confrontation that occurred a year or so ago suddenly appeared. She remembered every word they said to each other; hers were full of rancor while his were caring. Now everything was clear to her. Tony was right; her Mossad boyfriend had committed an unforgivable act. It was unbelievable that she was too upset to notice Tony and his feelings for her. Sure, she had feelings for Tony before, but it was all thrown away when everything had become absurd the moment Jeanne walked into Tony's life. She retreated to someone who she thought would be there for her and tried to avoid the jealousy his partner felt. She noticed Tony matured after Jenny's death; his womanizing tendencies decreased. She was happy at that. However, she was aware that she could not seek Tony for the kind of comfort he receives from other women, so she went to other men for that.

But now, she only felt remorse for pushing Tony away when he tried to reach out. _It could have been better. It would not turn out like this if only………._

Her reverie was interrupted by McGee's ringing phone.

"_Dead marine in Quantico."_

"Yes boss. Be right there, boss." He hung up right away.

"Uh, we have to leave now, there's a dead marine in Quantico." McGee said to the girls.

"I could drive you home to your apartment, Ziva," Abby offered. "Gibbs wants you to rest."

"Would you mind….if….If I stayed with you in the Lab? Or perhaps with Ducky in autopsy?"

"Yeah, no problem!" Abby replied enthusiastically._ She's just waiting for a certain someone to call. Hehe. _She thought a grin creeping across her face.

"Care to share something funny, Abs?" McGee asked, startling her.

"Uh…no."

"You're grinning like a lunatic." Ziva piped in.

"Well, I may be, but it just feels good to have you back! What's wrong with that?" Abby retorted.

"Nothing." Ziva shook her head and smiled. _Abby is just so thoughtful._

_

* * *

__Abby's Lab_

Ziva and Abby were just sitting on the stools in the lab, waiting for Gibbs' and McGee's return. There was nothing to do. It was boring and it made both uncomfortable. Abby then breaks the silence. They had to talk anyway since they've been missing a lot. She needed to catch up on her as much as Ziva needed to catch up with the events that occurred at NCIS.

"Uh, So. Ziva. I really didn't have that much of a chance when we were out to ask how you've been...."

"I'm fine. Almost done with the healing process."

"That's good to know." Abby replied with a tender smile.

"Yes, indeed."

It's the silence yet again.

"How much have I missed?" Ziva asked.

Abby was snapped out from whatever thoughts she had. "Not a lot. The team seemed gloomy though. Squadroom's been quiet for a year. Unusually quiet to the point it had been eerie. Things moved slow too. We seldom received cases. If there was a case, it was open-shut most of the time. We didn't even have to stay at the headquarters until past midnight…….but we did. We all know Gibbs' rule of going home right away when the case is over….but we didn't until we felt the need to sleep. There were times when they'd doze off, their heads down on their desks, and I'm here and I'd sleep on the floor. When we wake up we'd drive home just to change our clothes then go to work. We'd grab food on the way to NCIS…..and then it's another long day. When they'd think about going home just like the normal way, Gibbs would work on a new boat. McGee would play videogames in his apartment. I'd go bowling with the nuns….or McGee and I would hang out together……"

Ziva noticed that Abby left someone out. "Tony."

"Tony? What about him? Oh. I thought you'd ask. He's fine. At least that's what he tells us. He's fine only that he doesn't talk much. No movie quotes. No James Bond and Magnum P.I raving. No pranks or McNicknames for a whole year. Can you believe it? Half the time he's crabby and unapproachable. He'd also prefer to be alone. He had been more serious when doing work—

Like I said, there was no kidding around. It was purely professional—.like he's becoming a Gibbs Jr."

When Abby finished narrating the events, Ziva once again inquired in a hushed yet desperate voice. "Is he seeing someone?"

"Not that we know of. But he's been going to bars lately so we could assume………that you know…..he might be……." Abby trailed off.

At that Ziva's heart sank deeper and writhed in pain.

Abby wanted to apologize after seeing that what had been mentioned made her best friend sad, but thought better of it. Instead, she told her not to worry and that he's going to call soon, which made Ziva smile a little.

And as if by some miracle, Abby's phone went off. She put it on loudspeaker before answering.

"Hello?"

"Tony!!!" Abby shrieked.

Ziva jumped off from her seat and went beside Abby, the eagerness to hear his voice so obvious.

"Hi Abs. You could tone it down. You'd bust my ears off."

"Whoops," She replied. "How have you been? We all miss you soooo freaking much! When are you coming back? EVERYONE can't wait to see you again!"

"You always say the same thing whenever I call. But I appreciate it." He chuckled.

"Seriously. The whole NCIS couldn't wait much longer! "When's Tony coming back" has been the question of the year! Gibbs, McGee, Ducky and Palmer ask that all the time and I'm getting fed up of it! Even Vance! Who would have ever thought of that, huh? I mean, Vance asking the same thing that's been thrown around ever since! I'm telling you Tony, NCIS isn't the same without you. If you only knew what we are right now…."

There was a pause. _'If only she knew how NCIS isn't the same….and how I am right now.'_ He thought before completely spacing out.

"Tony? Tony?! Still there? Come on. I'm done babbling. Somebody wants to talk to you."

Abby didn't wait for the response. She quickly handed her phone over to Ziva.

"Abs, hey. I'm still here." Came Tony's answer.

"Hello? Abby?" He repeated.

He waited for Abby to continue her blabbering.

"T-Tony?" The voice stuttered.

His mouth went dry and was suddenly at a loss. His gotta be making this all up. Maybe he didn't even call Abby in the first place.

But it was real. It _is _real.

The voice that came from the other end of the line _is real._

He could tell. His gut itself was screaming at him.

The familiar voice that he had been hoping for years to hear just spoke. It said his name.

She said his name.

It took him off-guard. It was mind-blowing.

He stayed on for a few more moments. Opened his mouth, but closed it as soon as he opened it. Words had no chance of coming out.

He hang up, turned his phone off.

And he felt what remains of himself die, little by little, with each swig he took from the liquor he ordered at the bar.

* * *

**AN: An emotional and almost-hungover Tony. Tsk Tsk.**

**_He's broke and shaken, Dying with all the breaths taken._**

**_The more tried, the faster he died._**

**_"I've already shed enough tears for you,_**

_**Won't you be there to cry for me too?"**_


	5. Knocking On Your Door

**A/N: Sorry for not updating so sooooon!!!! There's been a lot of things going on.....and exams are going to be in a week! REALLY SORRY! I PROMISE I'LL UPDATE AFTER THE EXAMS!**

**disclaimer: i don't own NCIS in anyway. What I own is a brain that merely works.  
**

**

* * *

  
**

He didn't answer. He hung up. Just like that. Ziva couldn't explain how she feels anymore. She really needed to get out.

"That was abrupt," Abby said.

Ziva only handed the phone back to her, and then left without a word.

"If you need anything, just ask!" Abby called after her. Ziva turned around, looked Abby straight in the eye.

"I need to know where he is, Abby."

Before she could think of any reply, Ziva already disappeared into the elevator.

'_I'll make you pay for everything you're doing to her right now, Tony. I swear. Not even Ziva or Gibbs could stop me.' _Abby thought and immediately got busy with something.

Like tracking Tony down.

'_You'll hate me. I know. After I find out where you are. And after I tell Ziva where you are. You kill me. She kills you. But not because you killed me. It's because of beating yourself up with the whole crap that happened a year ago. It's been dragging on for so long! She's here, break the tension already! Argh. Everything's been forgiven, dude! If you could just come back to your senses!' _Abby rambled in her head, whilst waiting for Tony's call…..That is, if he calls again today.

* * *

"Thanks for the company, Frank. Had a good time. I'm okay. Not drunk." Tony tells the bartender, places a wad of money on the counter and leaves the bar.

Next thing he knows, he's walking to nowhere in particular, dialing Abby's number.

Meanwhile, Abby's still waiting for the call when suddenly her cellphone rings. It's getting dark out, but she's not about to leave.

'_Determination Abby, determination.'_ She tells herself when she feels like giving up.

"Never expected a second call from you, Tony. Do you need anything?"

"I was just gonna ask if you want to watch a movie tonight. DVD marathon actually…..but I think you have plans, so¬—"

'_A DVD marathon? Meaning, we'd be going to your house. But I thought you didn't wanna let us know where you are.'_ Abby cuts Tony off.

"No Tony, that'd be great. Can McGee join us?"

'_McGoo?'_ He thinks about this for a moment then agrees. "Sure thing."

"Okay! Mind telling me your address?"

_'Damn,' _he must be really drunk because he just gave out his address to Abby, and it's too late to take it back. _'No need to track me down, I just made things a whole lot easier for all of you.'_

He feels more stupid today than other days.

'_Oh well, they're coming. Maybe I'll fix myself. Don't want them to think I'm living my life in the garbage can.'_

He started to make his way home.

* * *

He didn't know how he made it home safely._ 'Am I really drunk? Hmmm….It's not kicking in yet…so maybe I'm not. That's good.'_

An hour after he cleaned himself and his apartment up, Abby knocked on the door. He opened it and was crushed in a bear hug.

"Tony! I finally get to see you after a year!" Abby exclaimed and pulled away. For a moment, she looked at her friend. He looked different. More different compared to the last time she saw him. He looked thin but seemed to have gained weight at the same time. The eye bags beneath his eyes were bigger than before.

"Oh Tony….." She said sympathetically.

"I know, Abs. I'm okay." He replied, trying to deflect Abby from that conversation.

"Where's McGee? I also thought that maybe we could invite Gibbs and Ducky and Palmer over." Blatant topic switch.

"McGee should be here in a few. I told Gibbs. Said "have fun". He'll work on the boat instead. Grabbed a drink with Ducky first, though. Palmer's having exams so he headed straight to his apartment."

"Oh. So it's the three musketeers again." He chuckled. Another knock. _'McGoober.'_

"McGoo! I missed you!" Tony said in a mocking tone.

"Oh, hi Tony. I missed you too. Glad to hear the nicknames again. You must be feeling a lot better now." McGee replied.

"Yup! A lot better than you think." Tony said , showing his signature DiNozzo grin.

Abby, of course, knew that he lied, and not wanting to ruin this evening with her two best friends, cut in before this turned into a therapy session. She knows it's the least of what Tony wants. He'll have to talk about it one day, but tonight isn't the time…at least, until she and Mcgee are in his apartment.

"McGeeeeee! I missed you!"

"Uh, Abs, we just came from work."

"Are you saying that it's wrong for me to miss you?!." She replied sarcastically. 'It's a lame way to get McGee out of a sticky situation, but as if I care.' She thought.

"No, no Abs! it's just, well, uh—"

"So, what do you want to watch?" Tony said in a loud voice, interrupting them. He wasn't up for any "McAbby" episode now; it somehow brought back memories that he's been desperately trying to forget.

Abby was first to speak. "Anything will do."

"Yeah. I'll go with anything you watch." _'After all, we're just going to keep you company for a few hours.'_

_

* * *

_

"Thanks, Tony. We had fun tonight. " McGee told the Senior Field Agent.

"Really wish we could do this more often! And the lasagna rocks!" Abby said joyfully, bouncing up and down.

"You should bring it to work one day. Maybe even have Gibbs taste test it." McGee added.

"Gibbs would throw up, McPasta. Trust me." Tony chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"He'll like it." McGee said.

"I wish…" Tony rolled his eyes.

"So, we'll see you around, then?" Abby asked.

"Yup. I promise."

"Pinky-finger promise?"

"Yup!"

"Okay, Abs." Tony hugged her.

"See you soon, DiNozzo." McGee said, and with that, they left.

"Have fun at the concert! You kids be good!" Tony called out to them.

"Yeah boss!" McGee and Abby simultaneously replied.

Tony smiled and closed the door. He sat on the couch, put his elbows on his knees and rested his head on his hands. The void that his two friends temporarily filled was suddenly there again. 'It could never be filled.' He thought, feeling himself about to start going down that road of depression for the umpteenth time. He closed his eyes as if trying to shut the pain out.

Someone knocks at the door. Again.

Sighing, he staggered to the door. 'Abby musta forgotten something.'

"Forgot som—" His heart stopped and his breath gets hitched in his throat. He stared, not wide- eyed. Just unable to move. Stoned.

"Tony?" She hesitated.

He frowned. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I—I...wanted to talk." Ziva did not expect him to react that way. She thought he'd be hugging her; that he'd ask her how things have been with her life. She didn't think he'd be harsh with seeing her.

She pushed past him and closed the door. The fact that she's unwelcome in his home is the least of her concerns.

"There's nothing to talk about." Tony made his way to the couch and sat down. Ziva took her place beside him.

"There are many things we need to talk about." Ziva replied.

"Like what? Want to talk about movies? Sure. Well, there's movie I've seen, classic, 50s—"

"Tony," Ziva cut him off. "Give it a peace."

"Rest, Zee-vah, Give it a rest." Tony jumped to autopilot: Correct her English idioms.

Ziva shot daggers at him. "This isn't the time to correct my English. I'm serious, Tony."

"I could see that you are."

"You are going to talk, yes?" Ziva glared at him as if he'd melt any second.

Tony walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer. Before he could even take a drink, she snatched the bottle from his hands.

"You have been drinking again." Tony scowled at her.

"Yeah. Life's been better with ten six-packs."

She grabbed his wrist and twisted it. She was now getting angry at him.

"Shit, what the heck do you want me to say?!" He was getting annoyed at her.

"Why you are doing this to yourself."

"Doing what?! Drinking? Hitting on other girls? Leaving NCIS?! Tell me!" Tony screamed at her face. "C'mon, Ziva, you've got to be kidding me! I'm an 'effin grown man and I can do anything I want with my life!"

"You jeopardized your entire career, and for what?" Ziva screamed back.

Tony mellowed down. Memories played in his head. He looked at Ziva, all the emotions in his eyes—anger, pain, confusion.

"We're not having this, Ziva. Please……It isn't for you anymore." He went to the living room and stood by the window, looking at the cars driving below, and the D.C skyline.

After what seemed like forever, he spoke. "I ran away once. From all of this. I got tired at one point, so I stopped."

Ziva padded to the living room and stood by him. She didn't quite grasp what he meant. He added after a few minutes of silence, not noticing her there. "I stopped running, faced my fear, but what I used to run from disappeared. I quit. It was useless."

It clicked in her head.

_"I'm tired of pretending."_

_"So Am I."_

"Then it came back. You started running again." She said.

"Pretty much." He replied, not looking at her.

"Why?" She asked.

"You wouldn't let this go, would you?"

"Not until you answer me."

An exasperated sigh escaped his lips. "I think the answer's obvious."

"It is not. I could have mentioned it if it were."

"Hmmm. Take a wild guess?"

"Clueless."

He chuckled. "Suprising…..For a Mossad officer, I didn't think you could not guess it."

She snickered.

"Any answer?"

She and narrowed her eyes at him. "You're the one being asked."

He couldn't take this anymore. It's simply exhausting. "Please, I'm begging you. Just drop it."

"Tony…..you know what I could do to you right now."

'You are already torturing me. I think that's enough.'

"I'm sleepy." He feigned a yawn.

"That's a lie,"

"How would— okay, not this again. PLEASE ZIVA, I'm BEGGING you. I'm tired."

"It's only a simple question."

"Not a simple answer."

"I will wait until you figure what your answer would be. I'll stay here."

"Huh?!Does your Mossad training apply here? Push until you get the truth?"

"Or get YOUR ass kicked."

"Fine. You stay here, I leave." He grabbed his jacket and housekeys then left.

She did stay, and fell asleep on the couch. When she woke up, she glanced at the clock. 2:00 AM. She checked Tony's room, finding no one there. She was getting worried.

'I've gone too far this time,' she thought.

She didn't want to go home. She's sleepy and he's not there. What was she supposed to do?

She yanked one of Tony's drawers open and looked for something to sleep in. She found his OSU varsity shirt and changed into it. Moments later, she was asleep.

* * *

**A/N: One of their long overdue talks.....sorry for keeping it brief.**

**Thanks for putting this story on Alert. Please review too.:)**

**Question: How do you want things to play out for our favorite couple on the seventh season on NCIS?**


	6. Out In The Open

**A/N: I'm back! Exams finally over. Dang. It's like working on cold cases that I'd rather go McGemcity the whole day.**

**Disclaimers: Owning NCIS is wishful thinking. So, I don't own. ANYTHING.**

* * *

He arrived home; he only took a walk in the park. He thought about things over and over; what happened before, the sickening memories….. Assuming that she finally gave up, he got ready for bed. After brushing his teeth, he walked into his room and smiled at what he found. He climbed in next to her, but kept a foot's distance. She looked peaceful when she slept. He reached for the hair on that covered her face and tucked it behind her ear, then his hand lingered for a while on her cheek.

She stirred and he instantly pulled away.

"Tony?" She rubbed the sleep off her face. Realizing that she's on Tony's bed clad with only his shirt, she hopped out of bed.

"I….sorry….I fell asleep. I hope you do not mind…."

He flashes her his DiNozzo smile. "Not at all, my ninja. Not at all." He patted the empty space beside him.

* * *

After a little hesitation, she gives in.

They lay there for what seems like hours. The tension is present again, like it had ever been before. He doesn't move; his eyes are on her, while he swims in his thoughts. She stares at the ceiling, thinking whatever he's thinking.

"'My Ninja'?" She asks out of the blue, her eyes still glued to the ceiling. The question takes him by surprise.

He is already looking somewhere else when she asks this. He turns to her again, confusion written all over his face.

"Huh?" He asks.

" 'My Ninja'."

"Uhuh?" They both recall the term of endearment.

She's trying hard not to smile at the nickname, but fails. "It just reminds me… of the old times."

"The old times…" he reiterated and sighed.

* * *

She closes the distance between them and snuggles beside him. She drapes her arm around his waist, and rests her head on his chest.

"I want to go back to what we were." That's the last sentence she says before the silence that ensues after.

Tony doesn't move. They don't speak. The tension becomes heavier, but this time it is a completely different kind of tension.

'_Is this even tension? Partly….'cause I'm the one who feels tense right now and she doesn't.' Tony thought._

'Surprised' was an understatement, because he surely is beyond it. _'Maybe she's drunk…..hmm. Apparently not…. Or it's just a reflex. Or is it not? Snuggling beside me? I don't think that's a reflex….HA.'_

He looks at her. She looks up and instantly knows what it is because he's frowning. She lets go. She feels abashed. He grins his 100 watt smile that makes her knees go weak.

"Was that a reflex?" He asks. She props herself up on her elbow and rests her cheek on her hand.

'_I am not going to lose this. I am not going to lose THIS.' _Ziva thinks. She does not answer his question.

"Hmmm…..Is it from a movie? Do tell!"

She just narrows her eyes and chews on her lower lip.

The Glare makes him stop. He looks at her momentarily. "And I have no problems with that 'reflex'." He emphasizes on 'reflex' by air quotes.100 watt smile, and she's smiling back.

He encircles her in a hug. This does not surprise her; it makes both of them, for the first time in a long time, happy and content….

However, what happens next surprises her, like a Jack-In-A-Box surprised a 3-year old kid.

His face looms over her and seconds are too short to notice that he pressed a very gentle kiss on her lips. He pulls away immediately and it's now her turn be speechless. Her stomach is in knots and her face is flushing red. Their eyes meet, and he puts on an innocent expression. She internally sighs.

"What was that for…?" She manages to utter out. She is still left breathless.

The DiNozzo Grin is the only reply she gets. The butterflies in her stomach go wilder.

She tries The Glare but his smile only grows wider.

"Hmph." She pretends to be annoyed at him and crosses her arms.

He finally answers. "You guess."

"A reflex?" She replies with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"What do you think?" He challenges her.

"I think…" She "searches" for the answer in her head.

He whistles the Jeopardy theme song. "You think….?"

"I don't know."

"I think you like it." He wags his eyebrows up and down.

"EXCUSE ME?" She scowls. "In your dreams!"

He doesn't get offended but he inches his face close to hers again.

"Do that again and I promise I will slice your cashews off."

"The term is nuts." He leans in, crashes his lips onto hers then pulls back in time before Ziva could knee him.

* * *

She sits up and looks at him. Tony could tell she's angry, but there is something else. He just puts his hands behind his head.

"You are unfair."

"Why's that?"

"You get to kiss me twice."

"And the point is?"

"The point is that I hate you."

"I thought you wanted to go back to what we were."

"I DO! But I still hate you."

"Okay. Hate me all you want then! You think I'm unfair because I kissed you twice. Sorry for that. Won't happen again. But it isn't like we haven't kissed before, right?"

'_I love this, the banter….As much as I—' _Tony thinks. His thoughts are cut off by Ziva's sudden outburst.

* * *

She throws her hands in the air. "I hate you because you still have that stupid effect on me! Because that smile still drives me up the hall—no, wall. Because I still care more than I should! Because I carry on with my life too quickly like what happened a year ago never occurred! Because I want to get back to the way it was and that I still hope we could be more than this, like the way I hoped when you were Jeanne!"

He sits up and cups her face in his hands to silence her. "Ziva…"

"There! I just told you what I felt! I do not even if I was supposed to! I should not even like it!"

"What it?" He asks.

"You! Kissing me!" She realizes what she has said and freezes.

"I told you so." He chuckles.

She finds herself desperately hiding her smile again and playfully slaps him.

"And I assume you are disgusted with my feelings and you want to kick me out of your apartment now." Her face falls.

"No. But you could be stupid sometimes."

She shrugs, admitting weakness. "Maybe I am stupid. Mossad didn't teach me how to deal with this…feeling…aside from not letting it out in the open."

"Perhaps they didn't."

He kisses her and this time she wraps her arms around him. Five years of suppressed feelings were poured out in that moment.

It makes both of them, for the first time in a long time, happy and content…

* * *

**A/N: Cote de Pablo says that fans shouldn't expect a Tony/Ziva resolution soon, but there would be other kinds of resolution at the start of the season. CAN'T WAIT!**


End file.
